How to Explain Divorce to Children

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If you’ve decided that divorce is the only option for you and your partner, you will need to tell your
children as soon as possible. Kids are better at sensing tension that adults sometimes give them credit
for – undoubtedly they already have an idea that some kind of trouble has been brewing. Putting off the
inevitable will only further confuse or anger them, so you will need to explain the divorce and why it
is happening as soon as possible. Because you want them to understand, you will need to be clear and
as straight forward with your explanation. Here are the steps you should take when conducting this
important talk with your children.

Let them know that in no way, shape, or form is the divorce their fault. It is common for children to take
the responsibility for the dissolution of their parents’ marriage. Be gentle when you assure them that the
divorce is not related to any mishap that has occurred or behavior they have exhibited.

Always listen to your children. They will undoubtedly have questions and concerns that will need to be
addressed, as well as assumptions they may have made. You must be as patient as you can with them,
even if their questions or observations seem repetitive or emotionally driven.

Assure them that their feelings and responses are okay and natural. Many children will hide how they feel
because they don’t want to cause what they perceive to be further trouble or make the situation worse.
Remember that they may not want to upset you. Be clear when you tell them that any feelings or reactions
they are having are acceptable.

Ask them if they know of any friends who have divorced or separated parents. This will provide you with
the opportunity to learn about the fears your own child may have based on the experiences of another.
You can tell them that divorce, while rarely easy, is not uncommon, and that it happens around the
country to people of all kinds of backgrounds. For instance, people in the big Texas city of Austin divorce just
like they do in little towns and in other states. The point you want to make is that your child is not alone:
many other people have gone through what they will.

You should never do anything that will put your child in the middle of you and your ex-partner. It may
be difficult, but you must watch what you say while your children are around: disparaging remarks, even
little ones that seem harmless to you, can have an unpleasant effect on your child, who may feel that they
will now have to take sides. Remember that your child loves both of you.

This won’t be an easy time for anyone in your family. Having unreasonable expectations of your child –
that they won’t have angry or sad feelings, or that they won’t lash out because of those feelings – will only
make the situation more difficult. Talking about divorce shouldn’t be a one time only deal. When you
continue to have open dialogues with your children, you will help to ease their passage from this difficult
phase of their lives to the next.