Disclosure: In any review for a product or service, products or compensation may have been provided to me to help facilitate my review. All opinions are my own and honest. I am disclosing this in accordance with FTC Guidelines. Please see “Disclose” and "Terms of Use" tabs for more information.
Your children may share the same DNA; they may even look a lot alike. This doesn’t change the fact that they are still individuals with their own opinions and insights. This means that there are going to be times when they won’t see eye-to-eye, when there will be disagreements. Traditionally, these instances are called, “sibling rivalries”.
If you’re looking for a book on how to prevent them from ever happening, good luck. The truth is that at some point, your kids will encounter conflict with one another. However, if you desire some tips on how to reduce the amount or level of conflicts that occur, there’s some good information included below.
Encourage their individuality. If you’ve ever been the mediator of a conflict, you may notice that while there may be an actual issue that needs to be discussed, the greater challenge is in getting both individuals to accept the other person’s communication style. One may be vocal while the other is completely non-confrontational. One may be expressive while the other is passive. Usually differences aren’t wrong or bad, they’re just, well, different. In a parent’s job description, “mediator” comes with the title. Don’t make one child feel like they have to express their needs or concerns like the other one does. Let them know that they’re OK just the way that they are and that their feelings (and expression of them) should be equally respected at all times.
Provide them with the right tools. If there’s a 3 and 5-year-old fighting over a toy in their bedroom, screaming out “Stop all of that yelling!” may make you feel better, but it doesn’t really teach them anything. They’re fighting for the toy because they don’t know how to get it any other way. Go to them and speak about the importance of not just taking turns, but awaiting their turn too. Let them know that there are alternatives to having that particular toy and that while they wait, they can use those other options. Of course, you’ll have to say all of this on a level that preschoolers understand and they probably won’t “get it” on the first try, but if they learn how to argue well as children, it will definitely make adult life a lot easier.
Try not to take sides. This one is a bit tricky because obviously if one child hits another, then it’s a bit more obvious why the other child is hurt or angry. But when it comes to, for instance, one child wanting to watch cartoons while the other wants to play Wii, that’s not really a “You were right and the other was wrong” kind of dilemma. If a parent jumps into an issue that their kids are having just for the sake of doing so, children are pretty intuitive; based on how the parent consistently handles the matter, before long, they may feel like a certain level of favoritism is creeping in. When children are in what appears to be a high-leveled disagreement, try to avoid taking sides. Let them know the only side you’re really on is that they both come to a happy solution. This brings us to the next point.
Let them figure it out on their own. Did you know that there is a website called, ControllingParents.com? On it, there are statistics about how a child with a controlling parent has a tendency to act as an adult. Two tendencies are that they are rarely satisfied and they ruminate over confrontations. Indeed, if you’re always “fixing the problem”, your kids will not learn how to resolve matters on their own. If they’re not hurting each other and the house isn’t getting torn down in the process of the argument, be patient with the process. Try your best to let them come to a mutually approved upon solution all on their own.
Reward good behavior. After a couple of sibling rivalries, you may feel like you need to enroll into some conflict resolution degree programs. You’re not alone. It’s kind of like a rain storm: In the midst of it, storms tend to feel like they’re lasting a lot longer than they usually do. However, if you keep all of the previous recommendations in mind, the sibling rivalry will be over sooner than you think. Once it is, if you were actually listening in, make sure to reward (even if it’s just a simple “Good job!”) the children for finding a solution to their problem. Kids need to not just be told when they’re doing something incorrectly; they also need to be verbally affirmed for when they do something well. And while you’re at it, if you were able to let them figure it all out on their own, take a couple of moments to pat yourself on the back too. After all, you’re on your way to raising socially-capable children!
oh the fighting in here today
I was an only child so there was no sibling rivalry in my house, LOL!
All great points and great tips to keep in mind.
I definitely agree about not taking sides. Thanks for sharing the tips.
Lol…I’m totally posting this on the refrigerator 🙂
I think I should print this. my kids are killing me with the fighting lately
between the sibling rivalry and the tattling you would think my kids hated one another. But when one of them is gone, the other one does nothing but ask when they are coming back!
Great tips. What you said about not taking sides is so important and not just because of favoritism issues. Their is often more involved in the dispute than a parent knows about or understands. I find that very rarely is one child being mean for meanness sake.
Good points! Our famiily’s sibling rivalry issues were minimized by the age spread (almost 5 years) between our two children. Growing up, my sisters and I were much closer (can you say cat fight?)