Helping Your Kids Deal With the Loss of a Loved One

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One of the hardest things for anyone to deal with is the death of a loved one. This is especially true when
it comes to the innocent and optimistic nature of a child. Oftentimes, in their mind, (pets and) people are
supposed to live forever. It never even occurs to them that one day someone that they care about will be
gone.

And so, when it comes to helping your kids deal with the loss of a loved one, things have to be handled
very gently and strategically; it has to be done in a way that will introduce them to the reality that death is a
part of life without breaking their cheerful spirit.

Be “age appropriate” honest. Sometimes we forget that children are simply little people; little people
with a lot of emotional resilience and so in handling many things, sometimes they can do so better than we
do. However, based on their age level, their way of processing will be different; how a five-year-old will
understand death is vastly different from how a 12-year-old would. Therefore, in sharing the information,
while being honest (the loved one is not on vacation, they died), make sure to present the facts on a level
that is within a child’s comprehension. A younger child may need to hear, “Grandma died, this means she is
not coming back to visit us anymore” while an older child will be better equipped to hear the details (upon
request).

Answer all questions. As best as you can. Because death is such a permanent situation, it definitely takes
the heart awhile to catch up with the head. During this time, your child may have a lot of questions as they
try and grasp the concept of what is going on. Chances are, you are in your own stages of grieving when it
comes to the loss, but purpose to be as compassionate and informative as possible. Depending on how close
the relationship was, your four-year-old may ask several times a day “When are they coming back?” while
your 10-year-old may inquire, “Why did they have to die?” Both are valid questions and obviously one has
an easier answer than the other. Just do the best that you can. Someone died and so your child’s world has
been shaken. Being given answers helps them to find some level of peace of mind.

Give them the space to grieve. A lot of us are aware of the Five Stages of Grief. They include denial,
anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. A lot of times, we’re not patient enough with ourselves to go
through these emotional phases and so we don’t even consider the fact that our children need time to walk
them out as well; but they do. When it comes to your kids dealing with the loss of a loved one, remember
that one of the main focuses is to help them find some resolve with the situation. This means that they need
to be provided the space to deal with the loss. If they request to go to the funeral, rather than thinking about
how depressing the service may be, look at it as a way for them to start finding some closure. If they would
like to help with the planning of the service, especially if it’s someone extremely close to them and they are
teenagers, ask them their opinion on some cheap caskets you’ve found or which flowers they think would
be the most appropriate for the service. If they want to keep a memento of the person in their room, even if
the item doesn’t make sense to you, try not to challenge them about it. Dealing with the death of a loved one
isn’t always going to be a matter of logic; it’s something a matter of doing what is necessary to heal so that
life can go on.