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Maybe it seemed like a little thing at the time — Mom clipped the mailbox as she backed out of the driveway. Or Dad rear-ended the car in front of him at a stop sign. Just accidents, right? Could be. Or it could be a sign of something else.
If Mom and Dad have always been good drivers but suddenly start making mistakes, you’d better take a closer look before something awful happens. Driving safety blogger Alex Perdikis points out that because the elderly have frail bodies, they are more likely to die in minor accidents than younger people.
Your parents’ lives are at risk. Not only that, your parent’s poor driving could cause someone else’s injury or death. If it’s time for your parent to stop driving, you have to take charge now, not later. It’s not easy, but here’s how to start.
Plan Your Approach
The first step is to talk to Mom or Dad. Don’t go in like a tyrant demanding Mom or Dad hand you the keys. It’s likely your parents are already experiencing changes in their lives and giving up driving is going to be another loss. How would you feel if you weren’t able to drive and go where you wanted when you wanted? Put yourself in their place and realize this is going to be a life-changing and emotional event. Take into account Mom’s or Dad’s feelings.
Consider the problems they’ll face without the keys. How will Mom get to her doctor appointments? How will Dad get to his weekly card game? Before you sit down and talk with your parent, check out available alternative transportation options. Perhaps Uber or Lyft is available? To test the service use a lyft discount code. Is there a reliable family member available to make sure Mom gets to her appointments? Check with the county — many offer transportation services for the elderly. Come up with working solutions before bringing the subject up.
Choose a quiet and relaxed time to speak with your parent. Broach the subject gently and take your cue from the reaction. Begin with a question, such as “How are you doing with driving these days?” Your parent has probably already noticed changes. Still, Mom may not want to admit she has trouble these days. Dad may not believe it’s as bad as it is. Guide the conversation but remember: your parents are adults and unless incapacitated, they have the right to make their own decisions.
That’s all well and good if their skills aren’t too far gone. But what if they are? And what if they won’t give up the keys?
What to Do When Parents Won’t Quit
If your parent should not be driving and doesn’t come to the right decision on his or her own, it’s up to you. Taking the keys is risky, of course. Your parent may resent you for some time. But if innocent lives are at stake, you can’t stand by until something terrible happens. There are steps you can take, however, to solve the problem without losing the loving relationship you have. Here’s how:
- Ask your parent’s doctor for help. The American Medical Association (AMA) encourages doctors to counsel patients about their driving and, when warranted, accept car keys when patients make the decision to quit driving. Adults tend to listen to their doctors and accept their recommendations over that of family member. Your parent’s optometrist or vision specialist may also be able to help.
- Ask your parent’s best friend to help. A heart-to-heart with a best friend may be all your parent needs to do the right thing.
- Check with your state’s Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV): Many states require more frequent testing as drivers age. Some states allow concerned caregivers with sufficient supporting documentation to request vision, written and driving tests at any time. Inspectors review the documentation and when warranted, notify the driver in question that a new test is required.
I took my mother’s keys from her on Thanksgiving 2016. She freaked, even though we talked about it for 4 months or so. At first she was just mad at me, and then she thought she’d lost them, which sounded pretty good to me until I learned later that she was leaving the house and walking to the house of a friend of hers asking her about them… in cold weather… without a coat… on a bad knee.
Two months later she was living with me, and even though I knew I did the right thing, I should have done it much earlier.
That’s really hard. So many people struggle with this issue, and have a hard time doing what is needed, because they know it will hurt someone they love. It’s good she was able to move in with you.