One Year Since Goodbye

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One year.

This is the last photo I ever took of you. Not a great photo- I couldn’t get you all to look in the same direction at the same time.  I knew, I just knew I was never going to see you again- you weren’t acting like yourself, you were too keen to have us go (it was such a quick visit, it made me frantic), you had been physically dragging, and talking about everyone who was already gone. Not to mention, you actually let us within 6 feet of you, and you hadn’t done that since the pandemic started. All our in person visits were outside, and across the lawn.

All the recent phone calls we had had, you seemed sad. Well, more tired then sad- but tired in a way you’d never been. Just before I got “the” phone call, I was talking to John, and I told him that I thought you were about to leave us. I wish I had been wrong, but you just seemed like you were done.

I’m not going to talk about your transition, which was complicated and sad and not the way you would have liked it to be. I AM going to say how much I miss you- and that I realize this is wildly self indulgent, you won’t read it because you can’t, and there isn’t really a “reason” as it were to write it. But, it’s been a year, and I want to memorialize it, even if it’s just here.

I love you and miss you terribly.  You were so many things to so many people- and you were so many things to me. That’s not for here, though, that’s for us.

Your hutch sits in my living room now, like you wanted it to. It smells like you when I open it’s doors. I wear your white sweater around the house most days. I’m not a person who really wears white, but hey- it doesn’t really show any dog fur, so I tell myself it’s a doublegood reason.  😉

Reunited with your husband of so many years, I hope it’s everything you wanted it to be. I miss you both so much. Love forever.