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Every parent wants their kids to obtain a higher education. There’s no two ways about it: teens that fail to reach their academic potential and earn a degree can pretty much look forward to a life of thankless, low-level jobs or a very long climb to middle management. Ouch. The Richard Bransons of the world are few and far between, so if your teens think they’re going to become overnight successes based on their incredible and innovative ideas, well, 99.9% have another thing coming. But what can you do if your teens decide that they simply don’t want to attend college? Once they are adults you can’t force them to do anything. But you can try to change their minds, and if talking, cajoling, and bargaining don’t work, there is one other option you might want to consider.
Believe it or not, one of the best things you can do for stubborn teens is offer an ultimatum. Will this make you the bad guy? Yes. But hopefully it’s a price you’re willing to pay in order to give your children the best that life has to offer. Your job as a parent, first and foremost, it to ensure that your kids are self-sufficient so that when you’re gone they can fend for themselves. The world is not an easy place and no one will love your kids like you do, or give them as many chances. So if you haven’t been harsh with your children in the past, they’re about to get a rude awakening. It will almost certainly be the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do, but your resolve must be firm. If they want to make adult decisions then they’d better be prepared to face adult consequences, which in this case means getting a job and supporting themselves.
The upside is that they will quickly learn how far their high-school diploma goes, which is to say, not far at all. Once they get a taste of the minimum-wage lifestyle, working for peanuts at a dead-end job, living in a crappy apartment with no furniture (or crashing on the couches of their friends), struggling to pay the bills, and living on a steady diet of Ramen noodles, they’ll be begging to come back home so that you can support them for the next four years while they earn a degree (or even longer if they opt to go for an emba online). When they see what life is like without a college degree, the hope is that they’ll come around and fully commit to the process, and probably get a lot more out of it.
Of course, your kids might also hear your ultimatum and decide they do want to go to school (without having to learn a painful lesson the hard way). In this case you should lay down additional rules about attending classes and keeping up grades, just so they don’t expect to fool around on your dime. And if it should happen that your teens move out and never go to college, that is their decision and you’re going to have to live with it. There’s nothing wrong with loving your kids and wanting the best for them. But letting them live in your home when they’re not working to improve their situation is detrimental to them and to you. So man up. You can be a strong role model for your teens, even now, by teaching them one last lesson: decisions come with consequences, or alternately, rewards. And hasty decisions can have a dramatic impact on their lives.
My son is now 22 years old. Directly out of high school he attended a great college for two years, earned a high B average and came home after the end of his sophomore year and said he wasn’t going back. He didn’t see the point, didn’t know what he wanted to do (and what kind of degree it would take to do it). I was so upset. I took it personally, like I failed him somehow.
We talked. We listened. My husband and I told him that if he wasn’t going back to school that he needed to get a full time job, which he did. He works at a physically demanding job and began to take college classes last September. We have hopes he will finish his degree. But you know what? It’s his decision. And I needed to realize that. It’s on him, not me.
I completely agree – an honest discussion is key. I had no idea what I wanted to do when I was a teenager. Kids need exposure to all kinds of jobs to see what’s out there. I never had that. From what I’ve heard, I think high schools are getting better at that now. What do they like to do? What skills are they good at? What would they do for hours on end if they never got paid for it? All those answers can be illuminating. I always loved school, but my sister didn’t. It made me sick how my family punished her for it. So, when I read something that says that if your kids don’t want to go to college, kick them out of the house, it made me very upset. I don’t find that helpful. What is helpful is trying to assist your children to find a career that they would love, and, therefore, be successful and happy.
i am with you. but i think it is important to have a honest and open discussion about it- sometimes, kids rebel just for the sake of rebelling. and nothing said to kick them out bc they are not going to college- it says make sure they know what they want to do so they don’t have to learn the lesson the hard way, or have them learn a trade or go to work, not just hang out around the house without working. there is nothing wring with trades, the army, or finding a job. the only wrong thing would be having a kid that just lays around the house. as long as you and your child are both fulfilled, that is really all that matters. the post was about having a conversation about college- not hating people that don’t go.
You know, not everyone is college material. Some kids flat out don’t like school or were never good at it, so forcing them to do something that (1) they don’t like, and (2) they don’t want to do is not doing them a favor. Helping them find a career, however, is a good idea. There are plenty of jobs out there that don’t require a college degree. Maybe some children would like to go into the trades. My plumber drives a Mercedes, so I know he’s not struggling to get by. Auto mechanics, trained in all the electrical gizmos, can make 6 figures. Not everyone can be a doctor, lawyer, or accountant. I think you need to reevaluate what your definition of success is.
I don’t think college is for everyone- but if it is something you know your child will benefit from, it is worth a discussion and serious evaluation. If not- evaluate what you both want out of life.
Me and my daughter have this college discussion every day, especially when she spends too much time watching YouTube makeup videos and not enough time doing her homework. We lecture her constantly about how with what she wants in life, minimum wage is not going to keep up her living standards. I am being an example to her by going back to school to earn an 18-month certificate in RetailLink analysis, so I can get a good job with a Walmart vendor. I have 4 years of college, in print journalism, and am applying those writing skills to blogging in the meantime.
Excellent advice. The living of this advice can prove very hard, but fruitful in the end if you stick to your guns. Just suggest you do it with as much grace and kindness and love as possible to keep the relationship intact.
The military is always and always has been a suitable option for our youth. The majority of teenagers will not finish college in the first four years and could benefit from the skills they will learn in the military.